Crisis

Standing, running, interacting, falling silent, watching, closing my eyes, trusting, being on alert, relaxing, not missing out, studying, not wanting to know anything else, laughing, crying… States of me that can exist at the same time, trying like a crowd to pass through the narrow opening of my psyche. And also freezing, feeling powerless, losing focus, changing bearings, the feeling that I’m missing out, losing, and not keeping up. Not keeping up with understanding something, finding out the truth, losing freedom—the one I was born with, grew up with, thought I had. I was going somewhere and arrived somewhere I don’t understand. An existential crisis is a period of deep inner transformation during which a person rethinks their values and views. I guess I’m in one right now. I realized it because instead of buying groceries in a moment of anxiety about tomorrow, like I used to (that’s what my mom and grandma taught me), I started buying books. Like obsessed, downloading, hoarding, listening, reading. I caught myself feeling like a fish out of water, greedily trying to gulp air with my mouth, but it doesn't give the desired result. For a while I calm down, my focus shifts to family and work, I divert my attention there. But as soon as I start looking inside myself, a wave of feelings and emotions washes over me. I drown again in the flow of information. My old world has developed a crack—it didn’t happen yesterday, but now it feels stronger and stronger. I mourn, grieve for the old world that won't come back, I want to keep warm memories of it and continue living, rebuilding, gaining new experiences. I’m just afraid of forgetting, afraid that only this narrow dark corridor will remain and what I’m allowed to remember. My past creativity is no longer relevant to me, it becomes automatic, and some of it fades away entirely. For now, I don’t feel what I want to say clearly and consciously, only to scream, but there’s a spasm in my throat. I feel frozen by fear; I’ve started to feel it more and more often.
He's following me like a shadow, and I hear in my head: 'turn down the volume, don’t be too noticeable, tidy up, clean up, don’t give yourself away, don’t get involved.'

I seek refuge with people who think similarly, close ones who accept things as they are, through learning, self-belief, and a sense of gratitude for everything the world gives me.

I want to rebuild myself, refresh, get rid of what’s outdated.

To see myself as a person who has something to give, something to share, and to share it willingly with joy.

My crisis is my growth, my new level, whatever it may be.